No How-to Manuals

Person standing in front of two tall piles of books

Are we ever completely certain we know how to do things? When it comes to relationships, do we wake in the morning knowing all the moves we need to complete throughout our day leaving us to feel good about all our choices? That hasn’t been my experience.

Think about the different roles we fill in our day-to-day lives. Spouse, parent, employee, volunteer, business owner, neighbor, etc. Some of those roles we feel pretty good about how we’re fulfilling them and others not so good. Maybe we think we’re saying the wrong things or that we’re in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s like we should ‘know better.’ Is it possible to know everything in advance of it happening? The answer is no, we won’t always know what will or won’t happen.

Knowing that, when we go to do something and don’t handle it well, why do we resort to mentally beating ourselves up? We put so much pressure on ourselves to know how to handle things correctly. Have you ever thought about that?

Consider this analogy.

Let’s say we apply for a job and are invited to go for an interview. The interview goes well and we’re offered the job. The first day we get an employee manual. Wow, we know how to be an employee with the company, how to act as a person and how to literally deal with every situation or problem we confront. WHAT? We didn’t get that? Of course not! We don’t get how-to manuals for our job or for any other position we hold in life. 

Being in relationships is the same way. Using the analogy above…we showed up or if I could be so bold to say, we applied for the position of being an employee, partner/spouse or parent and we were accepted. Along with those positions came all kinds of challenges we had to deal with.

We learned about people and things like what was or wasn’t acceptable in the role. Sometimes we had no idea how to say things the right way or how to do things that pleased everyone involved which is why we struggled and experienced conflict. If there were problems, we worked through them as they unfolded.

We’re we awesome at it, if you’re like me, the answer is no. Why? Because we did what we knew how in those moments and what worked one time might not have worked the next.

We took on different positions in life and it shouldn’t matter how many times we’ve failed at something, no one should be counting. Why? Because every situation, every experience offers us an opportunity to learn, grow, heal and evolve, especially if we’re open to the process.

This is why self-awareness is so important. With each new experience we become aware of what’s going on inside in relation to what’s happening outside of us. Being aware of the times when we react and have conflict inside.

Will we always know what to do in those moments of awareness? No. Only through observing, learning and growing, along with awareness can we realize what we need to do in the moment of doing it. The best thing we could ever do for ourselves is stay present and move through each new moment as it arrives.

I’d like to close with a personal example. I was sharing with my spiritual teacher how I wasn’t feeling good about something I had done. I was told to ‘stop shooting myself in the foot.’ When we cut ourselves down, beat ourselves up…call it what we like…those actions are one of the most useless things we could do for ourselves. They get us literally no where but to feeling awful about ourselves. It’s hard to move throughout our day with wounded feet.

So, if you’re shooting yourself in the foot, I invite you to stop and consider moving forward looking for ways that’ll help you to heal within. Why? Because we can be certain when we heal inside, we know that positively impacts every one of our relationships. It’s that powerful.

Wherever you are on your journey, may you find your own truth…find what works for you…and you’ll always be guided to feel at peace inside.

Sheila Unique, Emotional Intelligence Specialist