We Don't Have to Forgive Them...and Here's Why

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Someone hurt us and no matter how hard we’ve tried, we just can’t forgive them.

So here’s a question most people don’t ask: What if forgiveness isn’t what we actually need right now?

We’re often told that forgiveness is the key to healing. But for many people, trying to force forgiveness doesn’t bring peace…it just adds more frustration.

Instead of focusing on the other person, let’s look at what’s really going on inside us.

It’s not about them…it’s about the unrest.

What we’re feeling isn’t just about that one person or situation. It’s something deeper…what I call unrest.

Unrest shows up as reactions:

• anger

• tension

• looping thoughts

• emotional triggers

And over time, it builds.

We might notice:

• certain memories still upset us

• similar situations trigger the same feelings

• relationships feel harder than they should

That’s not because we haven’t forgiven enough.  It’s because the unrest is still there.

Why doesn’t forgiveness alone work?

It’s easy to believe, “If I could just forgive them, I’d finally feel better.”

But that’s often an illusion.

We can decide to forgive someone mentally…and still feel triggered every time we think about them.

That’s because healing doesn’t happen in our thoughts…it happens within our internal experience.

Consider starting here instead. Before trying to forgive anyone else, try this:

Forgive ourselves for not being over it, for still feeling what we feel or for being human. Then we shift our focus inward.

A simple way to work through it may be to think about the person or situation that still bothers us.

1.      Notice what they did and how it affects us

2.      Then gently take our attention off them

3.      Bring our awareness to what’s happening inside our body

We ask ourselves:

• What am I feeling right now?

• Where do I feel it? (tight chest, tension, heat, etc.)

That sensation…that’s the unrest.

We don’t need to analyze it. We don’t need to label every emotion. We just need to be aware of it.

What Happens When Unrest Dissolves?

When that internal unrest starts to release, something powerful happens:

• We feel calmer and more grounded

• We react differently (or not at all)

• Our relationships begin to shift

• People treat us differently

• Our body begins to relax and heal

Not because others changed…but because we did.

Real change starts within.

Time doesn’t heal things on its own.  We do.

And sometimes, the most healing thing we can do isn’t forcing forgiveness…it’s turning inward and resolving what’s still unsettled inside us.

Wherever you are on your journey, may you find what works for you…find your own truth…and you will always be guided to feel at peace inside.