The Problem May Not Be the Problem

Person holding the Key

We all experience problems. Some seem to resolve themselves with very little effort, while others stay with us for years no matter what we try.

When that happens, it may not be because we’re not trying hard enough. It may be because we’re looking at the problem from the wrong place.

Over the years, I’ve noticed three things that consistently prevent problems from being resolved.

1. We’re spending time and energy trying to resolve a problem that isn’t the real problem.

Many of us spend years trying to solve what we believe is the problem, yet nothing seems to change. We try different approaches, have countless conversations, seek advice and continue searching for answers. Still, the problem remains.

What if the problem we’re trying to solve isn’t actually the problem at all?

If we have the right problem and the correct solution, our problem will be resolved.

It’s not uncommon to believe our problems exist because of the people in our lives. While they may contribute to what we’re experiencing, lasting resolution doesn’t come from changing or fixing someone else. It comes from what’s going on within us.

Think about a long-standing relationship where we still carry hurt from something that happened years ago. We may have done everything we could to repair the relationship, yet we continue to feel hurt. If we’re waiting for the other person to change so we can finally feel better, we may continue waiting.

The hurt we feel exists within us. As we heal and resolve the unrest surrounding that hurt, something begins to shift. Inwardly, we experience greater peace and outwardly our relationships often begin to change as well.

Sometimes the greatest resolution isn’t that someone else changes. It’s that we no longer carry the unrest inside us.

2. What we think we know gets in the way of movement, healing and resolution.

What we think we know often becomes the filter through which we interpret every experience. Instead of remaining open, we begin looking for evidence that confirms what we already believe.

Energetically, certainty about what we know can block movement, leaving us feeling as though we’re facing the same problem over and over again.

Imagine being in a long-term relationship where a recurring issue continues to create conflict. After many unsuccessful attempts to resolve it, we may conclude there’s nothing more we can do.

For example, suppose our partner struggles with alcohol. We naturally see the drinking as the problem because it affects the relationship. While the alcohol certainly creates challenges, our emotional upset tells us something else is also asking for our attention.

Our unrest becomes part of the problem we’re being invited to heal.

As we begin healing the unrest within us, we create movement. That movement doesn’t guarantee another person will change, but it changes how we experience the situation. From that different place, new possibilities often emerge that weren’t available before.

Sometimes what we know keeps us from discovering what we still have to learn.

3. Being certain closes our mind to other possibilities.

Being certain is different from simply knowing something. We become so convinced we understand the problem, the solution and how everything should turn out that we leave little room for anything else.

Over time, that certainty leaves us feeling stuck, frustrated or powerless because we can’t imagine another way forward.

From an energetic point of view, certainty narrows our awareness. It limits our ability to recognize other influences that may be contributing to the situation and keeps us from seeing solutions we hadn’t considered.

The same thing can happen when we look at other people’s lives.

We may become convinced we know what someone else needs to do. Perhaps we watch friends constantly arguing and think they should separate. Maybe we hear a sibling complain about their spouse and believe leaving the relationship is the only answer.

Yet what we think they need may not be what they need at all.

People are experiencing what they’re experiencing for their own learning and growth. Just as we can misunderstand our own problems, we can also misunderstand theirs.

The same is true in everyday situations. A friend doesn’t respond to our text and we assume they’re upset with us. We raise our voice because we’re excited and someone assumes we’re angry.

What appears to be happening isn’t always what’s actually happening.

Awareness invites us to become curious rather than certain.

Problems are part of living. Some resolve quickly, while others stay with us long enough to teach us something about ourselves.

The more awareness we bring to our experiences, the more willing we become to question what we think we know, remain open to other possibilities and look beneath the surface of what appears to be happening.

Sometimes the greatest resolution isn’t that the outward problem disappears. It’s that inwardly we’ve healed the unrest surrounding it. And when that happens, we begin relating to ourselves, others and life from a very different place.

Perhaps the problem was never really the problem at all.

Wherever you are on your journey, may you find what works for you…find your own truth…and you will always be guided to feel at peace inside.