The Should Trap
Have you ever caught yourself thinking…they should know better. They should change. They should be doing this or that. Or even…they should be further along by now?
Oh boy…that word should. It's been bringing up all kinds of feelings within me lately.
Growing up, there were many times when I'd make a choice to do something, only to have different family members tell me all the things I should have done instead.
I remember reacting during those conversations. Sometimes I'd get upset. Other times I'd feel the need to explain or defend my choices. I didn't really understand why those conversations bothered me so much.
Until now!
Looking back, I can see that it wasn't necessarily what people were suggesting that bothered me. It was the feeling that where I was, what I'd chosen or how I'd gone about something wasn't good enough.
And here's where things got really interesting for me.
How many times have I turned around and done the very same thing to someone else?
Recently, I did an Instagram video called The Should Trap.
I talked about my own learning that when I say someone should be different than they are, I'm no longer simply seeing them. I'm measuring them against where I think they should be.
Wow…where I think they should be.
What an eye-opener for me!
Here I was, remembering how it felt when others had expectations of me, while recognizing that I could have those same expectations of others.
Perhaps their journey isn't mine to measure.
That doesn't mean I have to agree with their behaviours. It doesn't mean I have to stay in something that doesn't feel good.
It simply means I can recognize…this is where they are right now.
And I can let that be their journey while staying responsible for mine.
This isn't about never saying the word "should." It's about becoming aware of what's happening inside us when we think we know what someone else should be doing.
It has been my experience that we tend to fall into the should trap when things surface that are difficult for us to watch…when it hurts to see someone in pain or when it's upsetting to watch them go through their "stuff."
Sometimes we care so much that we want to do something…anything…to make things better.
And there's nothing wrong with wanting to help.
But here's something I've been learning. Our desire to help can sometimes become our need for someone else to do things our way.
We may have the best intentions. We may even have suggestions that could genuinely help. But when someone doesn't follow those suggestions, what happens inside us?
Do we become frustrated? Do we feel unheard? Do we find ourselves repeating what we think they should do?
Or can we recognize that they're making choices based on where they're at in their own journey?
There's a fine line between offering what we think might help and deciding where someone else should be based on our own expectations.
And that brings me right back to those childhood experiences.
I didn't always appreciate being told what I should do. Yet here I am, discovering how easily I can fall into that same pattern.
Isn't it interesting how the very things we react to in others can sometimes show us something about ourselves?
That little word "should" can tell us a lot about what's happening inside us.
The next time we catch ourselves saying, "They should…" we can pause for a moment and ask…
Is this about what they need…or about what we need to feel better about what they're going through?
Wherever you are on your journey, may you find what works for you…find your own truth…and you'll always be guided to feel at peace inside.
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