What If It's Not About Them?

Two beings reflecting things to each other

Our learning comes in the most unexpected ways… and often, we don’t even realize it’s happening.

Recently, I was sitting with a woman I know and her teenage son. She shared that he didn’t like his math teacher and wanted to switch classes.

At first glance, it sounded simple…a personality mismatch, maybe a teaching style issue. But I’ve learned when something stirs us emotionally, there’s often more beneath the surface.

So I turned to him and gently asked, “What are you experiencing in that class?” He didn’t hesitate. He explained that his teacher often had to double-check his own answers before telling the class if they were correct. And when students asked him to explain how he got the answer, he sometimes couldn’t.

The frustration in the boy’s voice was clear. “I leave class feeling frustrated,” he said. “I just want a different teacher.” After he stepped away, I asked his mom something deeper.

“Does your son sometimes need reassurance before making his own decisions? Does he ever struggle to explain himself clearly?” She paused, then quietly said yes.

And that’s when something powerful clicked. Sometimes, what we think we’re there to learn isn’t the real lesson.

He believed he was in that classroom to learn math…and of course, he is. But the intensity of his emotional reaction suggested something more personal was unfolding.

The teacher’s uncertainty…the need to double-check…the difficulty explaining.

These were the very things that sometimes lived inside him.

And when we see our own struggles reflected back to us through someone else, it feels uncomfortable. Even infuriating.

But discomfort is often a doorway. When we feel triggered by someone’s behavior  it’s worth asking: What about this feels so charged inside me? Where does this live in me? What part of myself am I resisting?

This isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness.

Often, what we struggle to accept in others is something we’re still learning to accept within ourselves. And that realization can be tender.

We don’t always understand why we feel upset. We may think it’s about the other person. But as we grow in self-awareness, we begin to recognize the deeper layers…the quiet insecurities, the unmet needs, the parts of us still asking for compassion.

Growth rarely comes wrapped in comfort. Sometimes it arrives disguised as a frustrating teacher. A difficult conversation. A relationship that presses on our wounds.

There are times in life when we are guided to certain people…not because they’re perfect for us…but because they mirror something back to us that we’re ready to see. The real question becomes: Are we willing to look?

Wherever you are on your journey, may you discover what works for you…trust your own truth…and find peace inside.